chuck smith, c.s.s.

hello again. i'm sorry that i've been on the lam for a bit. ever since roulette rob, my hypocritical supervisor gave me a verbal warning for "fraternizing" with one of our seasonal employees*, i have been avoiding any conspicuous use of the information superhighway. however, now that i am a part of such an important initiative, i cannot help but share.

five weeks ago i, along with a small number of like-minded, sanctified subversives, launched a little campaign we like to call operation (anti) idolatry. our mission is to help our christian brothers and sisters separate themselves from the unchecked consumerism and credit card expenditures that are quickly transforming CHRISTmas into just another holiday. so far our sanctified subversives have succeeded in:

• accidentally deleting 2,400 credit card orders before they charged. this will save untold numbers of customers from the doldrums of credit counseling and perhaps even bankruptcy.


• replacing 5,000 copies of joel osteen's heretical your best life now with pastor piper's pious don't waste your life. as of late the sons and daughters of the King have exchanged sentimentality for truth! we're praying that pastor piper's book will be the mud that opens their eyes.
• downgrading 1,113 orders from fed-x 2 day shipping to usps parcel post. this will ensure that families can focus their weekends on worship rather than either: reading subtle celebrations of witchcraft that parade as christian fantasy such as the chronicles of narnia and the lord of the rings or scheming about how they can return their items so that they can satiate their unsavory, illusory "needs."


• shutting down our warehouse with an "accidental" chemical contamination. by over-heating up the foam packaging machine so that it released harmful, but not deadly, toxins into the air, our operatives have provided our customers with an opportunity to develop the virtues of patience and life-sustaining perseverance.

as we continue to risk our professional lives in service of this most important mission, i humbly ask for your prayers. if you experience an unexpected delay in your shipment from lightway or hear of a mysteriously deleted order, consider it an opportunity to grow in wisdom, stature and favor with God and men.

your customer secret servant,

chuck smith

*he was so out of line. her name is kerrie, she is a part of the college ministry that i oversee, and we were simply planning a christmas party over nice dinner at the outback, not fraternizing. management beware of the log in thine own eye!