chuck smith, c.s.s.

to: bob townsend, director of c.s.s.
fr: chuck smith, c.s.s.
re: sexual content

bob,
right before the management shut down the phones so that we could watch the roberts confirmation hearings i had a call that included sexual content. the conversation did not come close to violating our company's code of purity. nevertheless, as per lightway regulations, i am forwarding you a transcript of the conversation.

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "thank you for calling lightway, this is chuck. how can i help you?"

customer:: "oh, you're a man."

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "that's correct. i cannot be numbered among those who craved the fruit. how can i help?"

customer:: "it's just that...i don't even know how to talk about this!"

poorly-muffled sobs, followed by silence

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "ma'am, i want you to know that i am a graduate of the criswell college in dallas and am currently the head deacon in my church. you can trust me."

customer:: "it's not that i don't trust you, it's just, well...this afternoon i came home early for my lunchbreak. as i walked down the hall towards the bathroom, i noticed christian's door was cracked. so i poked my head in to see if he was working on his switched on schoolhouse curriculum and...and there he was, doubled over himself, ex - exploring his sexuality. the strained look on his face mirrored the damage he was doing to his soul. i just don't know how to respond to this situation.

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "has christian been taking a lot of showers lately?"

customer: "yes, he has."

chuck smith, c.s.s.: has he been spending increased time in the bathroom every morning?"

customer: "yes, he has. i thought he was teaching himself how to shave!

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "perhaps he was ma'am, perhaps he was. but he probably spent some of that time expanding his educational curriculum, so to speak."

customer: "i don't know why he would engage in such activities. i have never allowed him to watch any television stations except for pax-tv, he doesn't listen to any secular, satanic music and he has been home schooled since kindergarten. i know that his sex education class did not cover, uh, this type of sexual exploration."

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "i am glad that you have surrounded your child with the sounds and sights of righteousness, but even within the church there are fish that were meant to be kept and those who were meant to be thrown away. what kind of christian media has Christian been consuming lately?"

customer: well, he's always been addicted to the bibleman videos and he's been listening to more christian pop than alternative music as of late."

chuck smith, c.s.s. "christian pop? he hasn't been listening to aly & a.j. has he?
customer: "actually, we just made a special trip to the local lightway store to pick up that album. while we were there he also picked up a new barlow girl poster."

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "that's one source of his sin. aly and a.j. do for adolescent teen boys what the coors light twins do for, uh, secular men with cable. you need to dispose of that album immediately. did you notice where he put the barlow girl poster."

customer: "yeah, that's the oddest thing. he put the poster on the backside of his walk-in closet."

chuck smith, c.s.s. "that figures. you'll probably find it hard to find a match for his socks in the upcoming weeks. i'd encourage you to take that poster down as well."

customer "what do socks have to do with this?"

chuck smith, c.s.s. "nevermind. which bibleman videos has he been watching lately?"

customer: "i don't know the names of them or anything, but i know that he likes the ones with biblegirl. he says that biblegirl is to bibleman what bob the tomato is to larry the cucumber."

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "well that analogy breaks down when you take a good look at her breastplate of righteousness."

customer: "breastplate of righteousness? what does Ephesians 6 have to do with the video?"

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "well, in the language of song of solomon you one could say that her pomegranates are rather prodigious.

okay, here's the story: your son has entered into the greatest struggle that he will ever face. in order for him to win this battle you will need to replace the sin enticing products that he has been enjoying, with a number of edifying alternatives. in place of the ali & a.j. cd, i would encourage you to steer him towards less attractive female artists like rebecca st. james, who has made a commitment to talk about purity on at least fifty percent of her songs, kelli clarkson who is not the kind of girl that would incite a week long period of, um, i mean her posters probably wouldn't find a place on the closet door and male artists like phillips, craig and dean, who couldn't attract a female groupie if they tried.

i also think you should have your son read every young man's battle and watch focus on the family's excellent life on the edge video series. perhaps you could discuss the content of every young man's battle with your son over dinner and you could have a family night movie marathon of life on the edge episodes. fortunately, both of these products are currently on telephone special here at lightway. every young man's battle is currently available for $9.99 and a twelve-pack of life on the edge videos are on sale for $24. would you like to purchase these life-changing products for your son today?"

after that the call followed the standard order procedure. the customer wanted to buy the bibleman action as well, but i warned her once again of biblegirl's superpower to provoke her son's sin. if you have any suggestions concerning the way i handled this call, please let me know.

i would really like to get together with you for a caramel macchiato or chai tea at some point in the near future. i've noticed that you've been absent from church lately and your lovely wife pam broke into tears during the sermon last week. i'm not making any assumptions, brother. just want to make sure you are pursuing God’s pleasure!

yours and his,

chuck smith, c.s.s.