chuck smith, c.s.s.

i'm finally starting to fall into step with the SS, so i guess it's time to continue sharing my experiences and practical wisdom with the world. initially, i must admit that i was afraid of the company flinching at my candor and perhaps even firing me for continuing to speak with you. however, after a season of diligent consideration and prayer the Lord has reminded me that i must not let my light be held under a bushel. moreover, if the SS authorities ever call me to account i can rest assured that in that moment the Spirit will give me words to speak. so, where to start…

okay, i don't think i'm sharing any state secrets when i admit that the gifts industry is rife with feminists and flaming homosexuals. i mention this not to accuse any particular person, but to state an obvious truth. i'm beginning to suspect that he Lord has put me here to remind the women of the benevolent, patriarchal order of God's creation and to steer the queers straight by reminding them that that celibacy and innovative onanism are much better options than sodomy. since i've shared my opinions on the corruptive influence of feminism on a couple of occasions, today i would like to share an encounter i recently had with a homosexual. again, i do not share this story to merely chastise or condemn. rather, since i have yet to learn how to interact with homos in a edifying and God glorifying way, i am hoping that you can offer some insight.

below, i have provided a complete transcript of a call i just received this morning.

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "thank you for calling the SS, where everything is possible! my name is chuck, how can i help you?"

customer: "yesss, this is johnnie from the red fern in savannah. i was just sliced by one of your displays and i'm about to lose it!"

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "i'm sorry sir, you were 'sliced' by a display? that must have been relatively hard wound for a spinning circular display to inflict!"

johnnie: "i don't think you understand, mister smith. the screws that came with this display are just too short. they constantly fail to penetrate the centerpiece!"

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "i'm sorry johnnie, i think we have a bad connection. did you just say something that suggested screwing and penetrating. i might be a straight man in a squiggly industry, but the rules of sexual harassment still apply!"

johnnie: "well mister man, i want you to listen a little better. the screws on YOUR display, are too short to penetrate through the strong wood. make sense so far?"

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "about as much sense as anything you've said so far johnnie."

johnnie: "uh-huh! when the screws failed to do their job, the rounded edge of the centerpiece slashed me in three places."

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "where you merely slashed in the hands or in a region that would be considered more vital?"

johnnie: "JUST in my hands. what are you suggesting mister smith? you are so inappropriate! i want to talk to ronnie, your manager, right this minute!"

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "okay johnnie, as per your request. please wait for just one moment, while i try to put you through. and johnnie?"

johnnie: "what!?"

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "try not to injure yourself in the process."

ronnie: "hey chuck! what do you need this time?"

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "you remember johnnie? that whiny customer you pooh-poohed and placated on monday?"

ronnie: "of course."

chuck smith, c.s.s.: "he claims he's been slashed by the rounded edge of one of our displays."

ronnie: "unn-uh! send that little queen right on over!"