chuck smith, c.s.s.
life is a continual opportunity to praise God and to constantly be amazed. as of late, i've been doing plenty of the former, as you might expect. however, i've also been shaken to my core by the latter. for what reason, you ask? allow me to explain.
five weeks ago today, while i was driving out of the lightway parking lot, i was improperly and illegally cut-off by a squat 20 passenger bus. enraged by the bus driver's inconsiderate and illegal maneuver - in a moment of unsanctified fury - i let both of my birds fly. to be honest, i was surprised that i did not double down the wages of my sin at that moment by cussing up a blue streak. unfortunately, i was also surprised by the loving, yet slightly contorted faces of the members of the A.R.C. Workshop workers, who, along with their mean spirited driver, served as the only witnesses to my sin.
although i felt bad about flipping off the short bus, and so providing positive reinforcement for little annie's tourettes, i thought the wages of my sin would be rather straightforward. thus, i planned to meet my maker and repent of my sin by devoting a night to prayer, fasting and a marathon reading of my utmost for his highest. but unexpectedly, the wages of my sin multiplied exponentially overnight and, subsequently, at 8 a.m. on thursday morning bob townsend called me into his office, dressed me down and fired me on the spot.
i tend to think that bob's reaction was fueled as much by the fact that i “outed” him as a relapsed roman catholic as it had to do with my act, but that's a whole 'nother story altogether.
so over the previous four weeks i have been wandering through a wilderness. i've spent my days filling out resumes for companies both sacred and secular, i've worn out my knees in prayer and i've fasted from contemporary worship music - david crowder is just a bit too jovial for such a season - singing along only to classics by newton, crosby and watts. i'd love to tell you that that the last four weeks have been a wonderful time of spiritual development and growth, but in all honesty they've been some of the darkest days i've weathered thus far.
fortunately, last week, after hour upon hour of sending out resumes and praying for God's provision, i was blessed with two job offers. i could either provide my superior customer service skills and utilize secret service skills for superior plumbing supply or i could provide advanced-level, business to business customer service for sentimental somethings gift menagerie. although, to be quite frank, i was more interested in fulfilling orders for sloan royal urinal valves and helping middle class consumers determine what brand of toilet best defines them as a person, sentimental somethings - henceforth referred to simply as SS - offered me a salaried position, full benefits (including vision, which will surely benefit my myopic arse) and 2 full weeks of vacation. as a result, i now spend my days explaining to hallmark customers why their ceramic plaques - which feature an elderly woman with rather large mammaries and reads "my girls may be sagging, but my tail ain't dragging" - are on backorder and their purely decorative tea pots that are emblazoned with the witty phrase "it's time to t-t!" cannot be returned for a full merchandise refund. the SS hasn't let me put my secret service skills to good use yet, but i'm sure it's just a matter of time before they call on me.
over the past couple of days i've been doing my best to blend into this secular environment, but i've found it a bit difficult to do so. my hindrances, have been many, but i'll only take the time to share a few. for instance, within the first few hours of my employment one of my estrogen-oppressed co-workers, whose build was literally designed for the action and intensity of roller derby, accosted our entire row with the following question: "who's the jesus freak around here? my guess, chuck, is that it's you." when i politely asked her why she chose to persecute me she said, "your religion is as plain as the cross you're wearing on that ring." i reminded her that madonna regularly bears crosses, but still has a one-way ticket to hell, but she wouldn't relent. she asked me if i believed that women belonged in the kitchen as opposed to a customer service department and whether i thought gays should be allowed to marry. i responded forthrightly by telling her that ensuring that sinners stay outside the camp of jehovah and securing one's own righteousness was indeed part of the "fun" of fundamentalism. however, instead of appreciating my witty repartee, she simply said something unprintable about the "meaninglessness of all religions." after our, admittedly unsuccessful exchange, i have to admit that i felt a little discouraged about my ability to share the gospel with her. however, after a good time of prayer that evening, i remembered that hostility towards the gospel is often better than apathy. i have little doubt that this "hardest rock" will crack the easiest.
i am also a little concerned about the overly sappy sentimentalism that oozes through the hallways of SS. on my fourth day of employment i was provided with a quilted tote-bag emblazoned with the SS logo as well as a fanny pack that is emblazoned with the company mission statement ("gifts from best friends, for best friends." although i received the tote and fanny pack with a smile on my face, i was unsettled when my training manager instructed me to use our company stationary to write the C.E.O. a "thoughtful note that fully expressed our thankfulness for his generosity." i don't know how comfortable i am working for a man who allows "his right hand to know what his left hand is doing."
in sum, i am beginning to wonder if i can muster enough sentimentality to work and prosper in this fiefdom of femininity. i suppose only time will tell. i don't think john eldredge would approve of my current employment, but i suppose that a man has to pay the bills.
five weeks ago today, while i was driving out of the lightway parking lot, i was improperly and illegally cut-off by a squat 20 passenger bus. enraged by the bus driver's inconsiderate and illegal maneuver - in a moment of unsanctified fury - i let both of my birds fly. to be honest, i was surprised that i did not double down the wages of my sin at that moment by cussing up a blue streak. unfortunately, i was also surprised by the loving, yet slightly contorted faces of the members of the A.R.C. Workshop workers, who, along with their mean spirited driver, served as the only witnesses to my sin.
although i felt bad about flipping off the short bus, and so providing positive reinforcement for little annie's tourettes, i thought the wages of my sin would be rather straightforward. thus, i planned to meet my maker and repent of my sin by devoting a night to prayer, fasting and a marathon reading of my utmost for his highest. but unexpectedly, the wages of my sin multiplied exponentially overnight and, subsequently, at 8 a.m. on thursday morning bob townsend called me into his office, dressed me down and fired me on the spot.
i tend to think that bob's reaction was fueled as much by the fact that i “outed” him as a relapsed roman catholic as it had to do with my act, but that's a whole 'nother story altogether.
so over the previous four weeks i have been wandering through a wilderness. i've spent my days filling out resumes for companies both sacred and secular, i've worn out my knees in prayer and i've fasted from contemporary worship music - david crowder is just a bit too jovial for such a season - singing along only to classics by newton, crosby and watts. i'd love to tell you that that the last four weeks have been a wonderful time of spiritual development and growth, but in all honesty they've been some of the darkest days i've weathered thus far.
fortunately, last week, after hour upon hour of sending out resumes and praying for God's provision, i was blessed with two job offers. i could either provide my superior customer service skills and utilize secret service skills for superior plumbing supply or i could provide advanced-level, business to business customer service for sentimental somethings gift menagerie. although, to be quite frank, i was more interested in fulfilling orders for sloan royal urinal valves and helping middle class consumers determine what brand of toilet best defines them as a person, sentimental somethings - henceforth referred to simply as SS - offered me a salaried position, full benefits (including vision, which will surely benefit my myopic arse) and 2 full weeks of vacation. as a result, i now spend my days explaining to hallmark customers why their ceramic plaques - which feature an elderly woman with rather large mammaries and reads "my girls may be sagging, but my tail ain't dragging" - are on backorder and their purely decorative tea pots that are emblazoned with the witty phrase "it's time to t-t!" cannot be returned for a full merchandise refund. the SS hasn't let me put my secret service skills to good use yet, but i'm sure it's just a matter of time before they call on me.
over the past couple of days i've been doing my best to blend into this secular environment, but i've found it a bit difficult to do so. my hindrances, have been many, but i'll only take the time to share a few. for instance, within the first few hours of my employment one of my estrogen-oppressed co-workers, whose build was literally designed for the action and intensity of roller derby, accosted our entire row with the following question: "who's the jesus freak around here? my guess, chuck, is that it's you." when i politely asked her why she chose to persecute me she said, "your religion is as plain as the cross you're wearing on that ring." i reminded her that madonna regularly bears crosses, but still has a one-way ticket to hell, but she wouldn't relent. she asked me if i believed that women belonged in the kitchen as opposed to a customer service department and whether i thought gays should be allowed to marry. i responded forthrightly by telling her that ensuring that sinners stay outside the camp of jehovah and securing one's own righteousness was indeed part of the "fun" of fundamentalism. however, instead of appreciating my witty repartee, she simply said something unprintable about the "meaninglessness of all religions." after our, admittedly unsuccessful exchange, i have to admit that i felt a little discouraged about my ability to share the gospel with her. however, after a good time of prayer that evening, i remembered that hostility towards the gospel is often better than apathy. i have little doubt that this "hardest rock" will crack the easiest.
i am also a little concerned about the overly sappy sentimentalism that oozes through the hallways of SS. on my fourth day of employment i was provided with a quilted tote-bag emblazoned with the SS logo as well as a fanny pack that is emblazoned with the company mission statement ("gifts from best friends, for best friends." although i received the tote and fanny pack with a smile on my face, i was unsettled when my training manager instructed me to use our company stationary to write the C.E.O. a "thoughtful note that fully expressed our thankfulness for his generosity." i don't know how comfortable i am working for a man who allows "his right hand to know what his left hand is doing."
in sum, i am beginning to wonder if i can muster enough sentimentality to work and prosper in this fiefdom of femininity. i suppose only time will tell. i don't think john eldredge would approve of my current employment, but i suppose that a man has to pay the bills.
posted by g13 at 2:39 PM
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